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About Literature / Hobbyist Premium Member True EmotionFemale/United States Recent Activity
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No tears in the writer. No tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer. No surprise in the reader. ~Robert Frost
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(Contains: sexual themes and strong language)
I saw my rapist today.
It's been 17 years.

It's a small town, so it was
Only a matter of time.

The bile rose in my throat,
And I was in that hotel room
All over again, screaming for
Him to stop.

When he didn't get his way,
He grabbed my hair, and shoved
His Dick in my mouth,
Gagging me with every thrust.

I threw up again and again
in the confines of a small
White tiled bathroom, hoping
He wouldn't hear and punish me more.

But I could only hear him laugh.

And I can still hear him tell me
To shut up when I opened my mouth
To speak on the way home,
The same mouth that was good
Enough for his filthy penis to enter.

I thought it was all my fault.
I didn't know I was the subject of a
Bet, where fifteen other men
knew my fate before I did.

I hated him for so long.
And when I look in the blue eyes
Of my seven year old,
I hate him even more for
The one that will follow in his
Footsteps, and change a young
girl's life forever.
I wish I could leave and start over.
The woman really knows how to
Pack a punch.
She can hit me right where it
Hurts, and she spares me no mercy.

"People change. You can
Go back. I never left my kids."

I never left my kids.

That was the line that sent me
Over the edge and crying in a
Room full of people.
Suddenly the food tasted like poison,
And I was left with 10 pairs of eyes
staring at me, waiting for the showdown.

Rage rolls through me like a freight train,
Full speed ahead.
And all I could do was cry, while keeping
My head down towards the table.

I'm not supposed to be alone.
I can't make it on my own.
I can't be a lesbian.
I can't be with another man.
I'd be living in adultery.
I need to go back to him.

The lines keeps coming, like an oil
Spill and my heart keeps getting blacker
By the moment and harder to hold.

Goddammit I am NOT helpless.
Marrying a man doesn't make me any
More of a person than the woman who
Made me suffer all those years with a
Dad that treated all of us like
yesterday's trash.

You tell me that you did this for us?
You did WHAT for us?
You made me into this fucking monster
That I am today.
Do you know how many times I've wanted
To kill myself because I couldn't deal
With the shit storm inside of me?
Picture your little helpless daughter in
A cold, unforgiving grave, Mom.

NO you don't know. You know nothing
Beyond that pitiful excuse you call
A marriage, with that pitiful excuse
That I call my father.

You did me no favors.
I had forgiven you because it was
Your choice to stay.

I will make it on my own or die trying.
And fuck anyone who gets in my way.
I don't need him.
I don't love him.
And if there's one thing you need to remember:

I left him. I never left my kids.  Ever.
I love them with a passion that you will
Never understand.
I love them the way that you can't love me.
I accept them in a way that you will never accept me.

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment Mom.
Maybe one day you'll be proud of me.
The poem says it all.
The difference between who I am and who I want to be is separated only by my actions and my words.
Pretty words are just pretty.
They can show intelligence or
Mask stupidity.
But words are my greatest love affair,
And will be the only way I can tell you
About this crazy mess inside of me.
So listen carefully.
I'll only say this once.

I'm angry as hell that I chose
To let you in.
I'm angry that I "gave it up"
So soon.
I'm angry that the one person who
Made me feel safe is the one I won't
Be with.
I'm angry that I want more than you do.
I'm angry that I just can't let this be what it is.
I'm angry that I even give a damn about you.
I'm angry that I didn't listen to you when you told
Me that you say and do things that might hurt me,
And that I shouldn't get attached.
And I'm angry that I'm crying over you right now
And you don't give a damn.
I'm angry because I know deep in my heart
That you are good.
And I'm angry that I'm not good enough for you.

I'm hurt that you don't tell me you
Miss me anymore, which tells me you
Don't really miss me anymore.
I'm hurt that the eagerness is gone
From your eyes and your conversation.
I no longer make you feel like you
Do more than just exist.
I no longer make you "happy."

I want to scream at you and tell you to
Just treat me like shit to make it
Easier to walk away.
I also want to scream at you to just
Take a risk on me and stop being
So fucking stubborn.
I want to scream that I'm worth more
Than  sex and conversation.
I want to whisper that maybe I'm not.

I want to cry into the pillow
And leave it all behind.
I want to not want you.
I want to not care.
I want to not have these emotions
That are part of an illness you
Will never understand.
I want to not feel anything at all.
I want to stop myself from typing these words
Which you will either read or you will not.
I want to meet the people that are
Important to you.
I want to be important enough to you to
Meet them.
I want to be normal and not this fucked up
Mess that is just driving you away.
I want to matter to me and not care
What you think.
I want to wait on God, but I want
This tortuous mind to be at peace.
I want you to just want to be with me
And not be scared to say so.
I want to not think about you every time
I touch another warm body.
I want to not wish it was you,
Rather than the person I'm with.
I want you to be brave, and kiss away
My fears, and stop me from writing any
More damaging words.
I want to stop learning these lessons
And stop feeling this pain that
makes no sense.
I want to trust myself for once.
I want to relax and just enjoy the
Time we have left.
I do...I really do.
And I want you to know I will
Never say these words to your face,
Because as much as I want a resolution,
I don't want to watch you walk away from me.
I can't be brave anymore.
I can only be me.

The words aren't so pretty now, are they?


True Emotion
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Current Residence: North Carolina
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Personal Quote: "Quod me nutrit me destruit" That which nourishes me also destroys me.




Add a Comment:
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fave!
KiddosPoet Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Writer
Always welcome, my friend.
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Amazing poet, beautiful soul, caring professional and a hot redhead.  I can't wait for all of the B.S. to be over, just so everyone can see that you came out clean on the other side.
KiddosPoet Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
A girl can only go so far on her own. It takes amazing friends to get her thru. Thank you for being that amazing friend, sounding board, fellow bullshitter, and support beam. I look forward to seeing you on the other side.
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Deadpool Thank You Card by TenderVigilante    You just got Deadpool-ed by a man singing along to Fleetwood Mac.
KiddosPoet Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You are so sexy. so sexy. I love Fleetwood Mac.
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for the faves, pretty lady! :D (Big Grin) 
KiddosPoet Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :)
TenderVigilante Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fave.
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