I think she's tired and I'm just sad. the lies my head tells me never stop. its a fundamental sadness, and I can't even begin to know where to start to live again. I want nothing more than this to work, and I will not give up. but I'm afraid I am ruining everything. I had to go and fuck things up. that's what I'm best at. now I'm just sad... and she's tired.
I tried to put myself in your shoes for a moment. But then I felt so hollow and sad and now I know why you had to go. I wonder how you sleep at night, but then I remember you telling me that you don't. It all makes sense. You wear your apology like the armor I should be wearing when I see you.
I've never been one to claim life should be fair, for I know it isn't and never will be. I have loved her for years, but I made a mistake that will follow me for a lifetime. Now she doesn't rely on me, maybe because she doesn't trust me. She turned to someone else, and I simply can't compete. I am worn, ragged from the record player in my head that won't stop turning the harmful rhetoric that makes me want to disappear and never come back. She thinks I'm trying to take her friend away from her. But really, I just want my friend, my lover, my companion back. I have cried and prayed to no avail. No one is coming for me. I am stuck in the mire of my mind, and nothing can pull me out. I am numb now. A dangerous place for me to be. I want to say "fuck it, just go be with her," because I know that's where she wants to be anyway. But I'm afraid to let go, because I'm not ready to lose her. Maybe never. Maybe tomorrow.
She is a
beauty,
a head turner,
a hot mess,
but boy do I love her.
She never lets me
fall,
falter,
or lose my faith
because she believes in me.
I am in
lust,
in love,
and just damn lucky to have her
by my side.
She's my
best friend,
my biggest fan,
and my lover all
wrapped up in one special package.
Life is hard,
but she makes it bearable.
She lifts me up in the storm,
and never lets me give up,
even when I think the world
has had enough of me.
I can't stop
won't stop
loving her.
She is my hero,
and I am hers.
You couldn't have told 8 year old me,
who was all caught up in the world of
Madonna's "True Blue" album with my
best friend, Sona, that I would one day have
two blonde, bubbly children.
You couldn't have told 13 year old me
that I would grow up to be a nurse
on a psychiatric ward, helping those
who didn't want to go on with this life.
You couldn't tell 15 year old me
that one day I would hurt so much
for that best friend, or tell her
one day she would have this son,
this sweet, sweet boy, this extension
of herself that she would love so much.
And you couldn't tell her that she would
one day lay that sweet boy to rest for the
last time o
Lightning, thunder in my eyes
Face in mirror I despise
Lines on skin as rough as stone
Beggars lips, I feel alone
No medication worthy of
This disease I cannot love
Wings on shoulders will take flight
To darker places in the night
Hallucinations on the walls
Come closer, closing in to fall
Upon this body, broken, frail
Death will come before I fail
A fighter's song escapes my lips
Calligraphy on fingertips
To write the eulogy I choose
I'm doing down but I won't lose
A poet's words so gently sing
My fate, you see, as freedom rings
Across the heavens, hell behind
Not waiting for another sign
You won't give up on me, I see
As you fall down on be
Chiseled jaw
Hard eyes
No smile
No lies
Clipped voice
Keep away
Don't think I
can do today
Start walking
Don't you know
From here there is
Nowhere to go
Losing battles
Left and right
No rest will come
Just screams tonight
The warm breeze and birds singing takes me
back to summers of my youth, with
loud stereos blasting from loud trucks,
screams coming from playgrounds,
muffled whispers from ear to ear,
playing games with each other;
Fast forward to my 20s, where the only
game being played was the one with my heart,
walking on railroad tracks,
making out in the seat of a light blue truck
on the parkway, disheveled clothes matching
a disheveled soul with stars in my eyes
and pain on my sleeve.
I often wonder what my purpose is on this earth,
and the thought plunges me into a depression
that mirrors a darker part of me that I
struggle to keep hidden.
My youth w
I saw you today but you didn't see me.
I couldn't tear my eyes away from you,
and the corners are suddenly wet.
I pass by and have to turn to the blacktop now.
A familiar song comes on the radio and I am
filled with regrets.
I didn't do things right, and all I want
to do is tell you I'm sorry.
But the words never come and I'm
simply too afraid of what you might say
if I apologize.
I don't love you, but I want you to be happy.
I don't miss you, but I wish you had someone else
that didn't make you miss me.
You won't look at me, or meet me in the middle,
and I won't cross that line to say what I need to say.
Words won't make up for the past.
B
Current Residence: North Carolina deviantWEAR sizing preference: S/M Favourite genre of music: Indie/alternative Favourite style of art: b/w photography Operating System: Windows 8 Wallpaper of choice: I hate wallpaper! Let's go for paint! Skin of choice: yours Favourite cartoon character: A pup named Scooby Doo Personal Quote: "Quod me nutrit me destruit" That which nourishes me also destroys me.
Favourite Movies
When Harry Met Sally, Pride and Prejudice
Favourite TV Shows
The Walking Dead
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
Death Cab for Cutie, Kasey Chambers, Eric Clapton, Brandi Carlile, The Killers